Ok, finally got around to changing the introduction text. But as you can see, I'm too sianz to write a proper one, so am going to blabber on in hopes that you will get an idea of what sort of person I am by guessing. Yeah, the format of this blog is crap. I haven't got around to fixing it. Later lah.. Much later...
I wish people would stop trying to "psychotherapy" me.
Yes. I get unhappy at times and need to rant.
But all that incessant "Are you ok?" "Do you want to talk about it?" "You must be stressed" makes me feel as if I'm not even being allowed to rant. Instead of unburdening myself, I'm now being put in a position of having to shoulder on the work of explaining myself to and reassuring 10,000 people.
Seriously. I don't need people trying to "unlock my feelings" and make me positively wallow in my miseries; so that I can come out bright, shining and happy.
Oh lord. Don't keep pushing upon me your free psychiatry session - you are just making me more tired than I already am.
ME signed off at 10:39 PM
Sunday, August 23, 2009
87th post
"Be a people person."
That's what I'm being told.
In a corporate environment, I feel as if I'm being perceived as being "less of" by being an introvert. I can feel e perception that introversion is a bad thing. Knowing & sensing e desire for me to change, I feel uncomfortable in my skin; as if I am 'wrong' - a flawed personality to be corrected.
I try - but it bothers me. What's wrong with being an introvert? Does e world only need extroverts? It's not as if I don't talk at all. I just don't talk when I have nothing to say.
Is that so wrong? That I can't keep quiet when I have nothing to say? Should I be asking questions I have no interest in knowing e answers for? That I be pushing inputs and opinions that I don't really believe in? All for a tiresome facade - for what purpose & towards what end?
How do I express it.. I feel strength in being genuine. I like smiling because I can't help it. To listen to others with eyes wide open because I think their story captivates me. To feel e laughter bubbling up because it's real. I feel strength in it, and being something I'm not makes me feel dead.
ME signed off at 12:13 AM
Thursday, August 20, 2009
86th post
Sometimes I have this morbid desire to hurt people. Not because they've done anything negative to me, but because they don't seem to react negatively to me at all; no matter what I say or do.
I just feel like pushing their buttons to see how far it can go. Why are you so nice to me? What's the catch? Will you still be you when this facade ends? I just want to test it to destruction to see whether they'll forgive me even if I push that button one too many times.
Yes, I know. I'm evil. But I do not act on the morbid curiosity, so perhaps I can be forgiven. But it sometimes discomforts me that I may one day act on the impulse, and destroy something that was true all along.
ME signed off at 4:17 PM
Monday, August 17, 2009
85th post
When I was young, my mother used to tell me:
"Smile in front of your relatives. Don't put on a sour face."
It always seemed proper to show people a smiling face.
But it feels to me now, that having to fake a smile is possibly the most painful thing in the world.
ME signed off at 12:36 AM
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
84th entry
I know I have to start somewhere, and I know I'm supposed to learn.
I also know I'm not the only one who is lost, and I know that others are trying.
I know other people's lives are not what they appear to be. I know it's fine, just be patient.
I know, I know, I know. But does knowing make any difference at times like these?
ME signed off at 9:55 AM
Monday, August 03, 2009
83rd entry
I dislike the insecurity I feel around overly sociable people.
Perhaps a selfish peculiarity of mine, but I don't like my close friends to have TOO MANY close friends. If everybody is their close friend, then where do you stand in the rank of 'close friends?' Doesn't it belittle the sanctity of the term?
You only have 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Obviously certain people have to take priority over others. Certain benefits are finite. You may have infinite love, but you do not have infinite resources. And consider, if you get immense enjoyment out of the company of all, then my company is reduced to no exclusive value. I'm only one of the many. If I'm not there, what would it matter?
In the defilement of the term, the inherent flaw in taking everybody under your arm as a 'close friend', is that you end up having no real close friends. Am I putting a value on something that should not be calculated? Perhaps. But all the same, it makes me raise my eyebrow to see the lowering of the label to nothing more than some empty feel-good title.
